Angelina's Story

I found out on Christmas day, Dec. 25, 2008, that I was pregnant. We had recently been in the process of moving, finishing our jobs, my husband finishing school, building a home and much more that I couldn't believe I was pregnant. I remember that before I looked at the pregnancy test I thought, "I believe in miracles!" Sure enough, I was pregnant! I was overjoyed! (Is that a word?!)

Seeing how it was Christmas, I thought it would be fun to wrap up the pregnancy test and surprise my husband. One of my most prized possessions to this day is the fact that I videotaped him when he opened it. He was overcome with joy as well and even tearful...we were so excited to be pregnant again.

At the end of January, I had my first doctor's appointment. Everything seemed fine. I was about nine weeks along and when they went to listen for the heartbeat, they couldn't find it. This did not alarm me because the same thing happened with my first pregnancy. The combination of my cervix position and a small baby made it hard to hear. Seeing how I was on COBRA Insurance at the time, I asked my doctor if we could postpone the ultrasound. She told me to come back in a week because by then we should for sure hear it.

The following week, the nurse took me back to a room. She couldn't find the heartbeat. She asked another nurse to come in and listen for it since the doctor was occupied. That nurse couldn't hear it. So they waited for the doctor. The doctor came in and she couldn't hear it. I was at the point that COBRA or not, we needed to do the ultrasound. This is when our story changed. As soon as she did the ultrasound, either she had "the look" that something was wrong, or I just knew. However, I was thinking about the heartbeat. There definitely was a heartbeat, but she also saw a large cyst on the back of our baby's head.

She immediately scheduled an appointment with the perinatologist at the Maternal Fetal Medicine office at a different hospital. I asked what this cyst meant which I later learned was called a cystic hygroma. In my non-doctor-like mind thought it would just go away or that we could pop it or something. She said it was a very big deal and was most likely a chromosome problem. Immediately I thought our baby had down syndrome since anytime someone says "chromosome" to me I think they are coating it for what it really means. With this she left the room to schedule me an appointment. I texted my husband and just said, "We have a problem with this pregnancy...a cyst on the baby's head/neck..."

I started to get emotional, not because I wouldn't welcome a child with down syndrome, but because I knew we lost the "normalcy" of our pregnancy. I had so many questions. When the doctor came back in, I asked, "So this chromosome abnormality means down syndrome?" And she looked at me saying, "Oh no. This is much more than that. This can be fatal for the baby." And that's when I lost it and have no idea what else she said. I was planning to just meet my husband at the other hospital and take our son (who was with me) with us. But as I was standing up to leave the doctor's office, my mom called. I was obviously crying and said we had a problem and she came right over to take our son while we went to the other appointment.

The entire trip to the other hospital I was an emotional mess...I'd take anything over losing this baby. I'd do whatever the Lord would have us do, I just did not want to lose this baby.

As I pulled up to the hospital, I saw my husband standing there and I ran up to him and essentially collapsed in his arms.

Now realizing that we were termed a "high-risk pregnancy" at just 10 weeks, we did another ultrasound to learn about this cystic hygroma. We were given genetic counseling where the counselor told us our "options." We were told this cyst could be due to three different things, the first being down syndrome, the second being lethal chromosome abnormality which meant that if we ever got to delivery they would monitor just me and not the baby and if the baby did survive the baby had a 90% chance of dying before its first birthday and the third thing was called Turner Syndrome which meant we had a 99% chance of losing the baby and if we were in the 1% that made it past 26 weeks, the baby could potentially have some/many health problems.

Also in this genetic counseling session the counselor told us we had the option of abortion. I told her flat out that was not an option for us, we would accept the Lord's will for us and this child.

We decided to proceed with a test called CVS where we would learn if there was a chromosome abnormality or not. I really felt that I would not miscarry with this pregnancy. My thoughts about the results of this CVS procedure was that the baby had no chromosome abnormality or that the baby had down syndrome.

After about 10 days of anxious waiting, we got the phone call. We learned our baby had Turner Syndrome, it was a girl, and that there was a 99% of this pregnancy not lasting. We prayed many days and nights that I would be in the 1%.

Around 15 weeks I started feeling her move. Everyday was a new day, a new day to worry, a new day to make sure I felt her moving. The doctor said that miscarriages didn't always result in blood, so she said I could come in as much as I wanted to listen for a heartbeat. I decided to go in every two weeks. The first appointment her heartbeat sounded nice and strong. The second appointment we had the same result--nice strong heartbeat. If the heartbeat sounded rapid it was an indicator of fluid buildup around the heart and fetal loss. We felt we were in the running to be in the 1% but we knew we weren't out of harms way yet. My doctor felt so encouraged from these appointments that she didn't schedule me for four weeks from this appointment.

The following week, I had my 20 week ultrasound. This was another big milestone for us as we were going to learn if there were any physical problems with the internal organs and such. The night before the appointment I prayed for good news and as I climbed into bed I felt her moving so much. I felt a confidence and renewed sense of faith.

We started the ultrasound and the technician did her thing and after about 10 seconds she just looked at me and said she was so sorry but there was no heartbeat. As she left to get the doctor I seriously thought their machine was broken or she didn't know what she was doing. I felt her moving the night prior, she couldn't have died!

The doctor came in and confirmed that she had passed away. I tell you, the worst sight was when she opened the screen that shows the pattern of a beating heart, and on our screen--there was nothing. Then she opened the screen that shows the movement of blood, and again, our screen showed nothing.

I was in a state of shock and thought that they would come right back in and extract the baby right then and there. The doctor asked us to go to her office and it was there that we learned that because I was in my second trimester that I had to go to the hospital and deliver the baby.

This day and the following were the worst. The doctor told me it would be a surgical procedure but when we were admitted to the hospital we learned that I had to go through the steps of labor and actually push our baby girl out. This was the lowest of low moments. I was so upset to have to go through this. I was upset knowing I had to go through labor and go home empty handed. I was upset I wouldn't hear our baby girl cry when she was born. I was just upset. However, I must note that I was upset with the circumstance, never were we upset with the Lord. We knew from the moment we were told we were high-risk that we would be given the strength to get through this trial and we knew--we truly knew--that we would accept the Lord's will, however hard it would be.

Angelina Joyce was born on April 1, 2009 at 6:11 p.m. I didn't know how I would feel when she was born and I wouldn't hear her crying, but as soon as she was born there was an unbelievable sense of peace come over both my husband and myself. As I held her and looked at her I said, "Hi baby girl....we'll see you soon." We truly believe we will be with her again and that we will have the opportunity to raise her in the eternities. We are grateful that we have a loving Heavenly Father in heaven who has made it possible--through his son, Jesus Christ--for our family to be together forever. We love our baby girl and will miss her while on this earth, but we know that she is with us as our guardian angel and our constant reminder to be live righteously so we can be together again.