Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Brave, really?

I've been having a few of the same thoughts lately, forgive me if they don't all come out making sense.

In starting this blog, I have received many comments via blog, facebook and email about how brave I am to share our story. I've sincerely appreciated all those comments, but have never felt "brave." To me, sharing the story is essentially what you would find on our medical records. Sharing my testimony with our story simply goes hand in hand. Literally--I do not know how I would have gotten through our experience without our beliefs.

But brave?

I don't feel brave. I don't feel so brave when a dear friend of mine recently had a baby and I can't bring myself to go see her or her baby because I am not sure how it will affect me. I don't feel brave when I was recently at a baby shower and wanted to break down in tears when I saw the tiny newborn clothes because all I could think about was that I should be holding a newborn. Or when I am at a store and see people with two, three, four, etc kids and think that I have two but physically can see only one. Or even seeing car seats because I wish I was carrying one. Or when Isaac pretends to take care of his "Elmo" doll I can't help but think what a great big brother he would be (will be). Or at church when it's testimony meeting and all I want to bear my testimony about is how this experience has drawn me closer to my Savior but since I said that the month before and everyone already knows our story, I probably shouldn't get up. Or in Relief Society when our lesson is about families and the question is asked, "how has it changed your perspective knowing that your family is eternal?" -- because really, I could get up and talk the whole time on that subject but instead I am sitting on the back row fighting back tears because again--the whole Relief Society already knows my story and I fear I sound like a broken record.

I guess my point is--I am always thinking about Angelina and some days I struggle more than others. Someone once asked me how I was doing but feared that I was 'in a good place' (i.e. not thinking about Angelina) so they were scared by bringing it up it might "set me off" (i.e. the tear-works). But truth be told, I am always thinking about Angelina. Angelina has changed my life for the better. I remember one night, Taylor and I were watching TV and I don't remember if it was a commercial or a show but this little girl--who knows, maybe 4 or 5 years old--comes on the screen and it was almost breath taking because there was silence for a second and I said, "she looks like she could be our daughter." Instantly, Taylor said he was thinking the same thing.

I know the Lord blesses us and strengthens us in many ways and for that I am grateful. I don't write these things for way of looking for sympathy, it is just my candid, what I go through, what I think type of things that occur to me while experiencing this loss. These thoughts are just real. Am I upset, angry? Not at all. Just miss my baby girl.

5 comments:

  1. Valerie,
    You may not remember me but we were in the same stake years ago. I ran across your blog and am so glad I did. I have loved reading about some of your feelings which are so close to your heart. I have not lost a daughter so I can't say that I know exactly how you feel but have lost someone who was really close to me (my sister) and it really does hurt sometimes. Thank you for opening my eyes to something a little different. I love to hear testimonies about the help our Savior has been to others and yours has strengthened mine so much.

    Allison Baer

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  2. I feel like you may be receiving a testimony of these three things as well as you also need faith in that you will raise Angelina in the eternities, patience in regards that this will happen in the time of the Lord, and hope. I feel also that although this is hard you will have the extra special blessing of bonding with Angelina is a special, spiritual, and deeper level because of the situation.
    Yet as you also stated this waiting period is not easy…It’s hard! I sympathize for you so much! When you share how you feel like crying when you see a baby or family with multiple children my heart aches because I know how that feels!
    So many times Tom and I have cried over seeing friends married to their spouses, we cry when we see a baby that looks like it could be ours. I am in constant questioning of the Lord as to when these sweet blessing will come to US, and how much longer we must wait.
    I know one day ,though, that these trials will be a distant memory, and one that we will be thankful for going through. Believing in God and his promises is what gets me through the day, and I know it does for you too. I hope that I have made sense, and that my words have touched you. I mostly want you to know that you are not alone, and you have someone who understands. 

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  3. Valarie...thanks you so much for being vulnerable and sharing these thoughts. I feel exactly the same way at times although our situation is different.
    I so badly want to start a family, have my children, have my wedding, be with my fiancé--have him as my husband. Yet, God put us in a situation where all of these blessing come to past on his timescale-- his own timing. Although it is hard to be away from my fiancé over the past three years ( he is currently in Pakistan) It is also a blessing. We have become so much closer, committed, and nearer to the Lord because of this situation. Our testimony in regards to faith, patience, and hope has sprung to life in a way we never thought possible. Faith in that we WILL have everything the Holy Spirit has born witness will come to past, patience in following the Lords will and time scale, and hope that everything will work out.

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  4. You may not feel brave, but I know how much it takes to be willing to face your grief head-on, and to be willing to share your feelings and experience with others takes a lot of bravery. I made the cowardly decision long ago to keep my own pain to myself- and even at times bury them within myself so even *I* wouldn't have to face the grief and pain. You don't have to feel brave, but it truly does take a strong soul to share your most vulnerable experiences with others.

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  5. Valerie -

    I don't necessarily think of bravery as something that means that you aren't sad. I think that bravery is being able to live your life, having the trials that you face, and doing so with grace and determination. Other people may or may not be aware of our trials, or may not understand that our heartbreaking experiences affect us for the long term.

    It is brave to share your thoughts with others. It is brave to keep on living a full life, despite it being difficult. It is brave to put on a smile in the company of others who have what you feel you've lost, or who don't understand, or who don't know about your trial. I haven't experienced the same thing that you have, but I do know that there are experiences that we have in life that require bravery because we face reminders of our struggles each day.

    Don't downplay your bravery! I really admire your courage and your faith, and your willingness to share.

    Julie

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